The Battle, part 2

 

Depression II: September 24, 2016 continued

Normally, my downward spirals wind back up. This spiral shows no sign of returning to the heights soon. This cycle has hit me harder than any other previously. It’s as if I spun to the bottom, Smack! I’m flat out, face first buried under an avalanche of emotion that I cannot control and which logic and rational thinking cannot reason away.

This is the first time I’ve ever admitted to my family and friends that I’m depressed. It helps because I don’t have to wear a façade. I can sit and walk and not have to keep a smile plastered on my face. My loved ones check on me with a message here, a call there, a quick pop over the cubicle: “How are you feeling?” I don’t have to fudge the truth. I tell them I’m not okay but I’ll be fine. Some ask what they can do to help. I respond with not to give up on me. I warn them that I might retreat inside myself and not respond to texts, social media messages, or email. By showing them my weak side, I let them know I trust them and remind myself that friends are always there for you. The truer the friend the more they’ll show it by being next to you in the dark hours.

None of my loved ones had any harsh words for me when I told them I was depressed. They didn’t judge nor bring me down. They did not say, “You haven’t been acting depressed.” Supportive, loving, thoughtful, they were there for me. It means a lot. I don’t really touch people. I’m not the kind of friend who hugs you when I see you. (Church is a special circumstance. Hugs happen at church.) A few friends gave me a hug. I’m feeling better than I was two days ago. Prayer from friends and family help and I also pray for myself. I can’t do this without God. He is my Rock and my Salvation. God is helping me through this rough spot.

I couldn’t work this past Wednesday, the 21st. I was ashamed because I left work a short time after arriving. I was also worried because I had been missing due to normal sickness. On the 21st I had to leave because I couldn’t control my emotions. I was on the verge of tears no matter how nice the customer was being. In my mind, I had failed. My last couple of checks had been short, bills were stacking up, Sie needed her Vetmedin and I had one month to buy another box of Heartworm preventative. I needed to work. How could I miss? I had just paid a stack of bills and a new stack had arrived. Would I ever get ahead? It’s not too long before September becomes October. Bills never end.

After I left work, I went to Nana’s, my grandmother, house because I did not want to go home too early. I cooked Nana breakfast, scrubbed the outside of her refrigerator and stove, washed all her pans, got a piece of a variety of Wandering Jew (Purple Heart) flower I did not have already, had a good chat with Nana, and went home.

The last couple of weeks have been difficult for me but I am making it through. I am waiting for the path to spiral back up so I can run to the mountain top. Depression blindsides us and takes away our joy and our will. All I want to do is sleep and I-who-gets-no-headaches, has had a headache for the last week. The closer I get to work, the worse it gets. I know it’s stress or tension. Don’t you guys give up on me. I’ll be back swinging soon.

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