It’s the bane of every writer. I stared at the paper and could not put any words on it. I took a drive up into the mountains. Stiff, scared, lost, wandering aimlessly with discontent. The Dreams, Poetry, and stories untold swirling through my brain as I agonized over curves and hills that my car didn’t seem to want to go up. My motor only has 1.5 horsepower. Next time I get a car, I want more horses under the hood and a ride a bit higher off the ground. I struggled through traffic in Hot Springs, Arkansas. I negotiated tight streets and and crosswalks. I survived the city. On the way home, I took the curves almost like an expert. My driving held more confidence, I didn’t shy from the other cars. I felt a bit more relaxed.
I feel as if I can run. But I also want to cry. I’m anxious about changing jobs and finding one I will halfway like while dealing with stress from work. Lonely, I spend more time staring into space instead of counting the stars. I dream of singing in front of people but I can’t believe in myself long enough to belt notes out with confidence. To me, every song I sing in front of people is like the solo from 11th grade choir recital:
“My house is made of sticks.” I squeaked barely above a whisper and hitting all the wrong notes. Then joined in with the others at my normal sing level hitting correct notes when it was over. I am working on my confidence. Part of me whispers, “If you had a boyfriend, you would be more confident.” But that is a lie. A boyfriend can HELP me be more confident and feel better about myself but having one will not make me confident. I need to be confident on my own and believe in myself. Let’s look at it this way:
What will I do if I get a guy, instantly gaining confidence, the guy dates me happily for a month to a year or much less. One day he says, Adios. After he is gone, I lose my confidence and the image I had of myself with him. Why should I base my self-confidence on the presence of a guy? Come on, Self, get the picture. Having a guy doesn’t solve your problems, ya know this!
I used to dream of fighting battles alone, traversing labyrinths full of traps and danger with people, mainly a dream guy (the same guy in most of them) who disappeared before the battle was won. I would wind up alone. Now in those dreams, I have a crew. Friends who fight the battle and solve the maze with me. The dreams are less dark and the fears not as bad. What does it mean? Whatever it means, I have to find my own self-confidence. I need to slowly uncurl from the cocoon and unfurl my wings, flying off into the bright morning light.
It appears I focused more on my self-confidence than writer’s block. Look at me go. Writer’s Block can be destroyed. Sometimes we need inspiration, new surroundings, a different angle, stubbornness, softening, clarity…. A lot of different things to kick the block out of our lives. Sometimes we have to hurdle it.