I have always been adverse to change. Change has always been bad and scary. Scary like the spider that scurried out from under my plate and across the table during dinner. I do not like change. But change always finds me. I know Change isn’t bad, not always. I have to try my hardest to cope and adjust. But, today I cannot cope or adjust with the changes in my life. Changes that I made. I chose to jump out on the limb and leave my job. I chose not to go back to the place that belittled my intelligence and worked me until I developed carpal tunnel and would not believe that I was hurt. Today, I regret. Yet, I do not regret it.
Yes, it’s scary. I have no money, barely any food, my dogs are running low on food and one is running out of necessary medication, and I have one tank of gas left. It’s not that I’m not trying to find a job. I am. I have applied at almost all of the retail department stores near me, some personal caretaker places, and have started on the fast food market. This is a bad time of year to be out of a job. Not because it’s Christmas. I love Christmas. This is the time when most companies do not want to hire because tax season is a month away or they are fully-staffed.
I was putting in applications at day cares today. I facepalmed several times because it felt so hopeless. Why was I applying when no one called me? No one wanted me. I didn’t have a bachelor’s degree. I was worthless. A writer without a degree, with no name, her only fans are family and friends. No one wanted me. I was useless. I had screwed up my life by not focusing in college. And then I stopped my pity party.
I had made my choice back then. I chose to enjoy life instead of earning a degree. I had made that bed, I was already lying in it. There was no need to re-hash it. I, similarly, made my choice back in November to quit my job. It was a limb. And here I am standing in the middle of a thousand different paths with closed doors. Which one will open to my touch? Pity parties are not going to let me find out. I just have to keep trying and grow through the change.
Change doesn’t have to be bad. I was so happy and free when I quit my job. I was full of pride because I decided to not bow to the wind but to push against it and dig my roots in deep. Maybe, what made me down was Googling writing jobs and finding out the paying ones and most of the non-paying ones, required a degree I did not have. I have wanted to write for a living for a long time. I am no journalist. I am just a story-teller. Stories are what makes up lives, after all. When this is all said and done, I will see what this little wind has shaped me into. I will see the woman I am stumbling towards.